posts tagged "depression"

To be fair

There’s a ton of paperwork I should have done months ago. Getting my course credit transferred from the classes I took in my hometown, so it actually shows up on my transcript, touching base with my adviser and the dean, and just starting the whole process of re-enrolling. 

I’ve just…I’m just done with it all. The whole bureaucracy and getting ignored and the stress of playing phone tag and getting condescending comments form administrators that don’t really care, while I’m getting myself more and more in debt just makes me angry. The process seems so pointless to me, despite knowing how important a degree is, it seems useless when my friends who HAVE graduated are in the same financial boat as me, including friends who’ve majored in the math and sciences. 

My parents are convinced that once I graduate I can get this magical high paying job and buy a mansion and support them in their old age and pop a million grandchildren for them, while looking super glamorous and it’s just rubbish. I don’t want any of that. 

I used to push myself to finish since I thought once I graduated I would be free. Once I graduated I could do whatever I wanted with my life since I would fulfill my promise to my parents, but the further and further I got into school, the more I realized that I would never be free. My parents would always want more and more and more and more of me, and the more I worked the less of the real me would exist. 

And when I START to get better my parents reject me completely and think I’ve gone off the deep end and have become lazy, ungrateful, and that I’m stupid, naive, and delusional. The think of me as a trouble maker when I try to get them all in to therapy, or make sure they are taking care of their physical health, yet they whine and say I’m a terrible daughter when I DON’T take care of them constantly. 

All I want to do is find out who I am. That’s all I want. I just want a life where I can just be me and do what I want, For ONCE in my life. And I still have a long way to go! Hell I work every day trying to NOT accommodate my entire personality to my boyfriend’s needs or lifestyle, so there’s no telling what will happen when I go back to the intense work load I’ll get in school! 

I’m just so angry and frustrated that my parents refuse to see me for who I am. They don’t even know me. I can explain everything perfectly point blank, and they will ACTIVELY deny and ignore everything that comes out of my mouth and it just makes me so upset. 

Thoughts on where I’m at in life

The one thing that makes me uncomfortable during small talk is when people ask me what do I do. I’m in this weird transitional period in my life and it’s not always appropriate to bare your heart and soul to someone you have just met. 

So explanations on work or school make me really uncomfortable since I’m in the process of picking the pieces back together. I’ve spent my entire life doing what other people want me to do, so I never really got to be a kid, or live for myself. By leaving an abusive home, and taking a break from school to get my priorities straight, I finally have the change to figure out what I really want in life, and honestly, for once in my life I want to enjoy myself and have fun while I’m still young. 

My therapist says I have the mentality of a 40 year old woman, and that I should cut myself some slack, so I can get used to treating myself well without getting plagued by horrific guilt. I am slowly trying to enjoy myself without indugling completely. Every time I do something nice for myself, (like taking a hot bath, or eating) I feel like I have done this horribly selfish thing, even though I’m doing basic things to keep my body functioning. 

Adults push me into finishing school but I can’t even walk in the same neighborhood of my school without hyper ventilating. I guess because getting a degree represents the old me. The old me that nearly killed herself over being perfect, and I fear falling back on unhealthy habits. 

Once I figure out how to learn for me, I will go back. Otherwise, I will keep my mind and body active and healthy, through exercise, eating healthy, re kindling my creative abilities, and more therapy. I am learning how to listen to my body and it’s needs. Everyone has their own path to follow, and I need to learn how to trust mine. 

I’m not sure people realize this

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But discovering who you are before mental illness can be a long an arduous process, and it takes a lot longer then you think. I guess what compelled me to write this post is the fact that I met up with my foster aunt and little sister two days ago, and my boyfriend’s family yesterday. 

Of course they all asked how I was doing, and how my college readmission process was going, since that’s what you talk about in normal conversation, but I couldn’t help but feel a small pang of shame, despite knowing that going back wouldn’t be the right choice for me. 

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I do want to go back. I’m the kind of person who does their best to fulfill my promises and I’ve promised my parents I’d get a degree for them. The thing is, when your entire life is spent nearly killing yourself over getting said degree, you lose sight of who you really are, and what you truly want out of life. 

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It wasn’t until I got hospitalized, dropped out and started to slowly get better via therapy and working a simple mindless minimum wage job that I began to remember the kind of person I was, before the illness. 

I’m a hard worker, I’m intelligent, resourceful, pragmatic, and competitive. I love to make people happy, and help others. I just took it too far when I was sick. 

I remembered my dreams of wanting to be a renaissance woman. A person who could be a jack of all trades, and took joy and pride with learning new things. I haven’t had FUN learning in a long time. 

But learning how to use hand tools at my IT job, and being able to have playful banter with my co workers, and exercising my body as well as my mind, made me feel alive again, and my desire to learn more and try new things blossomed back again. 

I thought, maybe someday I can save up enough money for voice lessons, or maybe I can muster up the courage to take a dance class. Maybe, I’m not such a worthless person after all, and maybe I can fulfill my childhood dream of making beautiful things and sharing them with people. 

When I was working and taking one class at a time, I felt content. I felt fulfilled, I had a great boyfriend and was living with his supportive family, there were three adorable cats, and I could walk and take the bus everywhere, and make art to my hearts content. 

Is it selfish of me to want to do more of that? 

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I haven’t had a happy life in so long, so when I finally get a taste of sweet escape I want to relish and enjoy it. Of course I want to be responsible. I am not afraid of hard work, I just can’t walk anywhere near my college campus without hyperventilating, and it takes me half an hour to muster up the courage to make a phone call. 

I do want to do the right thing. I do want to graduate, but I don’t want my entire life to be defined by that moment anymore. I don’t want to be the family crusader anymore. I don’t want my parents to live vicariously through me anymore. 

And now that I got them off my back and cut contact, I’ve felt at peace. I don’t want to lose the joy of learning again. I want to take pride my work and not constantly feel like I’m inadequate because I can’t live for the generations of loved ones that passed. I don’t want to be compared to a woman that got shot, gutted, and raped in front of her children because she had the audacity to sneak out of a concentration camp to collect fruit from the orchard of her old home so her children wouldn’t starve. I don’t want to feel like I have to suffer as much as her to be deemed worthy, to feel like I deserve to live, with her namesake. 

I am me. And I just want to be me. I guess I fear going back, because I fear falling back into old habits. I fear going back because I fear that I will only be defined by my academic achievements again, and not the many things I have already overcome in my life. 

I want to learn for my sake, not as a form of redemption or punishment. I’m just as afraid of success as I am of failure, since once I succeed I have to constantly out do myself, I have to constantly live up to the loved ones that have become legendary heroes in my eyes, and I don’t want to be legendary. I just want to be me. 

Asked my parents for money

I don’t even feel about about it anymore. Maybe it’s just me being jaded and bitter but the selfish part of my brain says “After all the abuse asking for a couple hundred dollars is a small price to pay” 

But the other side of me is like “They are your parents, and you love them, and they want you to be happy and successfull, the least you can do is reassure them that you are still on the right path. So I called my mom. She’s still really lonely and depressed and basically vented to me like she normally does. 

However, I didn’t find it as taxing. I reassured her that dad still loved her but is still an asshole. That all the kids were developing just fine, they just had normal teenage problems, and basically talked about my plans about trying to get into school, and gently warning her that I may not make it in by the fall semester because of paperwork. (when in reality it’s just me preserving my mental health, whatever white lies) 

I was in control of the conversation, and that felt really good. No longer was I that scared little girl that was anticipating getting hit. I was an authority figure and she was talking to me like a peer instead of naive child. So although my life situation is less then ideal, I’m slowly mending ties with my family. 

They are far from healthy and stable, but I can at least talk to my mom without having to cry for five hours afterwards. And hell, knowing she feels guilty about not raising me well (and trying to change her ways for the other kids) feels a little good.

I really hate having anxiety

Because of my anxiety disorder I have a huge fear of talking on the phone. Despite the fact that everyone says I’m very well spoken and polished over the phone. I’m pretty sure it had to do with the fact that as a kid I had to translate for my mom and lets just say doctors and administrators in general aren’t always the nicest to five year olds. So I was always the first one to know if there was a financial crisis in the house or an extreme medical condition or some social war within the family. 

The fact that I don’t get any cell service in my apartment is just enabling me into not leaving the building so I don’t have to listen to my voicemail. It’s so stupid, I had to hold my boyfriend’s hand to listen to the voicemails for moral support. 

I got a voice mail form the temp agent I called asking about when I was available to schedule for an appointment and working up the nerve to call back has been giving me panic attacks. 

Big reason why I tried to sew three different doll dresses! 

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I emailed my therapist saying that despite putting a lot of work in, I feel like I haven’t progressed fast enough, and that it was likely I was sabotaging myself because I fear success. I hate uncertainty, I hate anticipation, I hate making mistakes so for some reason making myself fail makes me feel safe. 

The perfectionist in me fears success, because once I succeed I will have to constantly live up to that standard. I’m an all or nothing kind of person. Either I’m a powerful goddess that can conquer the universe, or I’m not even worthy to exist. My therapist told me to think about causes my anxiety, and through trying to make a million dresses this is what I’ve come with it. 

I fear uncertainty

Uncertainty could mean failure

Failure means I am not worthy to be alive

Uncertainty could also mean success

Success is still bad, because I have to constantly strive for perfection in order to feel worthy enough to exist. 

I should link my therapist to this post. Or at least copy and paste this in an email. I want to talk to my boyfriend about scheduling a visit back into town so I can see her again. 

Therapy exercize

My most recent email that I received from my therapist says I should list off all the claims my mother’s distorted view of me are and write a counter argument that contradicts her points. So here it goes, negative thoughts under the cut plus my counter arguments. 

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Dear Diary

(And excerpt of an email I wrote to my therapist just now)
I have decided to take all this extra time I have to focus on art. I still apply to jobs everyday, and as long as I’m still trying I can’t be too bad of a person right? 
I’m still working up the nerve to print out my academic paperwork and fax it off to the office. I’m not quite sure what’s stopping me. Last week, when purchasing a new sketchbook at the art store I had a mini panic attack because the closest art supply shop was the one down the street from my University. 
I felt an intense sense of anger and betrayal. I told myself “How could you? How you throw away your life like that? How could you waste all those wonderful opprotunities in the palm of your hand?” This anger and self hatred put me in a blind rage and I got lost in the labyrinth of the city. I spiraled deeper and deeper towards neighborhoods I didn’t recognize until I had to stop from exhaustion and readjust my bearings. 
I’m sad. I’m sad I couldn’t take advantage of my true potential due to my illness. But the more I think about it the more I know I’ve made the right decision. If I didn’t leave then I wouldn’t be alive. The pressure of spending my whole life pursuing my degree in order to to fulfill this false dream I had of fixing my parents almost killed me. I tend to hyper focus and I think that I have been putting off finishing because I’m afraid of success. 
I’ve staked my entire identity on working towards this degree. But once I earn it, I feel like I will have nothing. Ever since I was a child I fashioned myself as an academic warrior. I would lead a crusade of knowledge and hard work so my parents could receive the respect they would deserve. So my father would not get snubbed my secrataries, so my mother wouldn’t get jeers on the street for not being able to keep her legs closed. So my parents could be seen as the heroes they are. 
But now…..as I become more and more aware of the world around me, now, as I have left the allegory of the cave, I am overwhelmed by the possibilities and choices I could make right now. Everything was so simple as a child. I would work hard, I would earn that degree, my parents would be proud and I would be free from the emotional shackles that bound me. 
But that’s simply not true. And through my own wayward exploration I speak to you battered, and confused. You and many others tell me that I should pursue what I want, but I’m not quite sure what that means anymore. All I want to be is self sufficient, and to be able to make beautiful things to share with people. I want to be the best person I can possibly do and take pride in every little accomplishment I make. 
But I still have this voice, my mother’s voice in my head saying that I have betrayed them. That my choice to take off the mantle of family diplomat marks me as a traitor. her words sting as I scrub floors and wash window panes, as I try to seek solace in rain, in coffee and crisp white paper. 
I am a warrior, but I am not strong enough to carry the fate of my entire family on my shoulders. I am not strong enough yet to combat the poison that has seeped into my veins and sinew, my bones and neurological synapses. Like the old Cherokee legend, 
A fight is going on inside me
It is a terrible fight between two wolves
One is evil
He is anger ,envy, sorrow, regret
greed, arrogance, self pity, guilt
resentment, superiority, lies
false pride, superiority, and ego
The other is good
He is joy, peace, love, hope
serenity, humility, kindness
benevolence, empathy,
generosity, truth compassion, and faith. 
The same fight is going on inside of you
and inside every other person too. 
Which wolf will win? 
The one you feed. 
I need to feed the light wolf now. 

Being in a relationship when you have a mental illness can be difficult

My boyfriend gave me a big confrontation last night, because I didn’t end up mending his only pair of black slacks for work. Due to my adhd I tend to hyper focus on one task (in this case running all over the city to get quarters for the laundry machine) and end up marathon that instead of doing little bits of chores everyday. 

He wasn’t upset that I didn’t do it. He was upset that I didn’t tell him I couldn’t get around to doing it in time so he could buy another pair. I do this a lot. I make a lot of promises that I can’t keep, because I can’t say no when I can’t do something. I take on more then I can handle and up screwing people over that way instead of being upfront about it. 

Back at home it made sense. I’d do everything in my power to withhold all the mistakes I made, all the things I didn’t do because even a minor thing like missing something in the pockets when sorting laundry could lead to me being severely hit. 

The trouble is with all these broken promises towards people I care about, I lose their trust, and my poor boyfriend was super uneasy about the state of our relationship and how I felt about him, due to me being extremely distant, and my most recent attempts of trying to isolate myself. 

I’m not a very touchy feely person in real life. I am really over the top and affectionate on here, but I’m super shy and quiet in person. I also tend to be extremely stoic and cold because I was raised to believe that openly showing emotion was a sign of weakness. 

So even though I adore my boyfriend to the depths of my soul it doesn’t show, and his own doubts and insecurities ate away at his trust in me and he kept wondering if I was only staying with him because I needed the financial stability. 

Needless to say I burst into tears because how dare someone I care about so much thinks I’d do such a thing, and I insisted over and over and over again that I loved him, and that everywhere he is, is home for me. 

He was relieved, and actually believed me this time, since I DESPISE crying in front of him or being vulnerable in general and he knows this, and we just strategized ways to fix my hyper focus problem. 

I mended his pants his morning and he went off to work. I guess you could say last night was a big wakeup call. I need to work harder at making my partner feel loved and appreciated. His birthday is coming up, so my brain is already in motion.

I sent out the application

I sent out that forbearance application to the last second. I am praying it goes through on time. The financial aid counselor said she’d fax my form in as soon as she got it, and I scanned the documents to her a few minutes ago. 

The due date is sunday, I hope there is no processing time or anything. I am PRAYING it goes through since I have a little under 300 dollars to my name and I’m moving and need to get a job asap to pay for rent and utilities, and to get settled enough that I can properly arrange the reapplication process. 

If the forbearance doesn’t go through in time my bank account will be completely wiped. I won’t have a cent to my name, and that scares me.

This financial stress made me put off readmitting myself into school so I decided to wait until next year. I just can’t juggle finding a full time job and getting back into school at the same time, plus making sure I can pay off my medical bills and living expenses.

Now I have to do laundry so we have clean clothing to pack. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, that whole process of filling out and mailing in that application had me sobbing and curled up on the floor because the fact that it could be late means I can’t afford to go back to school, and I want to go back really really bad, despite the fact that I’ve been putting off the application to get back in. 

I’m still learning how to balance my life properly, and I know if I can’t handle regular adulting how am I going to handle course work on top of it?

What am I fucking doing?

I may have screwed up my chances of ever finishing school

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