I got my first physical and pap smear done in one day and it wasn’t even scary, and it didn’t even hurt at all! I’m really proud of this, because one of the biggest thing my mom did was she actively missed all of our physical check ups, dentist appointments, and other important dates because she was too depressed to keep going. 

She was also extremely against me going to an OBGYN, because she told me getting pap smears was this scary traumatic experience and that she was protecting me from feeling violated and scarring me for life. 

Because of this she forced me to keep going to a pediatrician who was ill equipped to handle my needs since well I have an adult body now. SO! I researched doctors, read reviews, called my insurance company and switched to an adult practitioner, and went to the appointment on time and got my first pap smear!

It wasn’t even scary and it didn’t even hurt! The doctor and nurse were super nice and friendly and they explained exactly what they were going to do, when they were going to do it, and there were cute puppy posters on the ceiling to look at and we just kept taking to each other like we were at a coffee shop, and it was done super quick!

I got tested for cervical cancer, chlamydia, and gonorrhea, and the results will be done by next week. I got a breast exam done and there are no lumps! 

I know it seems silly but the fact that I found this doctor on my own, called the insurance company to switch providers, scheduled the appointment, got there on time, and got the check up done is physical concrete proof that I am getting better. 

I know I wouldn’t have had the courage to call people, or schedule an appointment, or even remember when my appointment was due to my adhd, but I did it! It’s proof I’m getting better and that I am not as crazy as my mom! So I am getting better! I can do things!

Oh and the laundry I have been avoiding for a month? ALMOST FUCKING DONE! Thanks to Unfuck your habitat’s 20/10 method!

Slightly disapointed in myself

I was going to take my week off from work to hardcore clean the bedroom I share with my boyfriend, but the nasty phone call I got from my dad during therapy set me off and my progress health wise has receded for a bit. 

Info on phonecall here Trigger Warning: Abusive parents

I’ve been staying up late shot gunning tons of Netflix and tv shows with my boyfriend a lot of curling up in the fetal position, sleeping in, drinking alcohol. (not a lot but I don’t drink that much in general) m and I missed a therapy appointment. 

Granted she quickly put me in after seeing me burst into tears and I scheduled it in the middle of a sobbing fit so I exactly conscious when I punched the appointment in my phone but still. 

I ruined my sleep schedule so my ability to do chores is stunted since I’m only able to do intense cleaning in the morning when no one is home. It’s the only time I have full acess to the washing machine and other cleaning supplies, and the only time my boyfriend is not in the room. 

Having him in the room stresses me out since I sort of need to go into my own zone when I clean. I know that sounds weird but I have to do it my way and have no distractions when I’m doing it. It’s a meditative process for me. 

I can at least make the bed, and take out the garbage. I sorted all the laundry yesterday so it’s not spread across the floor. Every little bit counts.

I have life problems (tldr my parents are manipulative assholes)
Crying and drinking bourbon
Dear Diary

I have three hours to kill before work and I came to my boyfriend’s school library to figure out this whole finishing my degree thing, but I was rushed out the door since my boyfriend doesn’t like it when I prep my purse and stuff right before we go to bed (since it keeps him up) so of course I forget my notebook with all the info I need, my cell phone, and various other things.

I’m sort of overwhelmed and bewildered and my meds have not kicked in, and I’m still slowly waiting for my coffee to kick in. I’m feeling really insecure and nervous and I really wanted to try to get this done. I turned down my foster aunt’s offer of helping me figure out what to do, becuase I have been getting better and I wanted to see if I could stop using her as a crutch. What I used to do was use the fear of being judged by her motivate me to get things done, but fear is not sustainable and I want to be able to get things done without being afraid and without believing I’m a piece of shit.

I want to get my degree finished. I should have formally taken the year off instead of just randomly leaving my school during finals week and never coming back. I have all these broken pieces and just trying to pick them without feeling like I’m a loser is difficult.

I can barely get out the door in the mornings, but I know I’m getting better, just way too slowly for my liking. I can’t be working shitty minimum wage jobs forever, I want a career in Web Development, I want to do Freelance Graphic Design, I want to write books, and draw pictures and make beautiful things for people, since the creative process is where I’m most happy.

If I don’t get my degree I will have to work 60 hours a week of minimum wage working just to get by, and I don’t want that. I”ve seen my dad juggle two, three jobs with shifts that crazy and he’s slowly killing himself, he’s been doing all that for me to get my degree. I just….I can’t afford to doubt myself you know? I have to believe I can do this, because giving up will guarantee failure.

Look at me being an adult!

I hopped on the bus this morning on a route I wasn’t familiar with. Arrived at the doctors an hour early so I hung out at the diner across the street. (haven’t been since middle school, it was super nostalgic, but instead if chocolate milkshakes, I had coffee) paid for my appointment like a boss and scheduled a full physical check up and pap smear. (whoop safe sex health!) I have only had one sexual partner and we were both virgins so its highly unlikely we have STDs but its better to be safe then sorry!

Oh and did I mention this all happened with a primary care doctor I found and arranged for myself?

Fuck you depression! I can do things! Responsible things!

I am not a waste of space, I am not a leech to society

I am trying to get the courage to live my life as fully as I can. I got up early today. I ate breakfast today, I got dressed, and made myself presentable today. I did laundry, dishes, cleaned all four cat boxes, made the bed, and folded and put away one load of clean laundry. I even filled the water bottles without being asked since my boyfriend is doing homework and drinks his weight in water. 

The room is still in shambles, my stuff is in garbage bags and piles on the floor, the wardrobe my boyfriend’s mom let me use is stuffed with piles of unsorted crap, and I still haven’t taken out the trash and recycling. I’m also paralyzed in fear over doing things related to going back to school, but I did things today. I did things today so maybe it’s okay for me to be here. 

I’m super frustrated

My adhd meds don’t seem to be working for me. Yesterday I saw my psychatrist to talk about this and he says that’s it’s possible that the slow release patterns my pills have don’t sync well with my body. 

He prescribed me some medication that was basically the same but has a different release pattern. 

I’m just really frustrated since I have a small window of time in the mornings to get chores done while everyone is out of the house and I can’t focus on anything. My brain feels like it’s walking through thick quicksand and my ritalin is not kicking in. I need to do laundry like really bad. I’m hoping the pot of coffee I’m making will help me and maybe eating something will help. 

I at least managed to get dressed and make the bed today. 

I’m getting really really sick of this.

This so called pnemonia is putting a huge dent on my sleeping schedule. I keep waking up in the middle of the night to cough, and I have to sleep sideways so I don’t choke on my own phlem. My boyfriend is really worried about me since he says that I am coughing so hard that he thinks I’m going to break a rib (didn’t think that was possible but ok)

I rescheduled my doctors appointment since a blizzard hit and the office closed, and the closest date I could get was wednesday. I will have to take the bus but whatever, I am so fucking sick of medicine not working and really need to get anti-biotics. 

This whole being sick thing has made me angrier and angrier. It’s funny how a physical illness can motivate me more then my mental illnesses, but either way I’m still sick. 

Sure I get pity and acknoweldgement for being sick with pnemonia but a lot of people brush off depression or anxiety, or PTSD. Being stuck in bed has made me extremely contemplative and I have been writing heavily and I guess I sort of come full circle to how I want to live my life. 

There are a few things my dad has told me that I agree with. As long as you have your health, a roof over your head, food in your belly, and a job that makes you useful to society and to earn your keep, you can be content. I never really understood the health thing until much recently, since when you are younger you think you are invincible and will never get hurt. 

One thing that I have learned from my boyfriend is that working hard is one thing, working smart is another. I don’t fully agree with his constant need to find the easiest way to do something but I have seen my dad work himself to extreme illness with little to no results. (Basically I’m a Hufflepuff dating a Slytherin) 

Over all I am content with my life. I am extremely lucky and I have it really really good. I have a lot of people in my life who are giving me guidance and support, I have a great therapist, psychatrist, and am able to live in a loving household when my biological family was too toxic for me. I have an excellent boyfriend who makes me laugh, and I have good friends. I have a lot to be thankful for but I know that being content and lead to stagnation and that is not what I want. 

There are still many things I want to do with my life, whether it be learning new skills nuturing my hobbies are just learning how to be a fully functioning adult. I still have a lot to learn and have a more wayward path then most, but being sick has given me this bizarre sort of clarity. 

Although my recovery has been slow I still am recovering. As long as you keep going and keep trying you have never really lost. Doing things for my own personal happiness in life can’t be sinful if it makes the people you love happy as well. 

So I’m going to take those steps, however small and try to cut myself some slack if I fail. As long as I keep going I will be ok. As long as I keep going I will be ok. If I am too sick to keep going, it’s alright to rest and recuperate, but be aware of what needs to be done and when. I have to learn all these things, since being an adult means maintenance of mundane simple tasks that have real consequences.’

I’m a smart enough kid. I think I can do at least that much. 

What am I doing with my life?

I’ve been really paranoid and have been running away from the state of my status as a student at my University for months now. Sometimes I go through bouts of clarity and I get a million forms sent and tons of messages relayed to administrators done, and then I’m gone for months and months on again. I’m in one of those periods where I have been a hermit for many months. 

I can’t say I haven’t been completely useless. I took an online course at a local University, and in an email I got approval from my advisor for the class credit to transfer through. (although I never did the necessary paperwork or signatures) 

I got my old job back as a dishwasher at my dad’s work place, and all of the senior staff welcomed me back and treated me like a daughter like they always have. The work is hard, but cathartic, and it’s nice to know I have some form of income coming in. 

I missed my psych appointment last week and I’m running low on meds. I suppose I should contact him and reschedule. I had to reschedule therapy appointments due to a wind chill advisory and it being fucking deadly outside under six layers of thick clothing.

I guess you could say the only thing stopping me is myself, but it’s more complicated then that, and bouts of therapy have made me realize how fucked up my situation really is. 

I get really bitter and jaded when I see these really rich and wealthy stylishly dressed college students on the bus with me talking about classes and stuff, since it just impresses upon me even more that I have gone rouge, and my parents don’t know what the hell I’m doing and think I’ve lost my mind, since I stopped trying to achieve perfection.

I still want to get my degree. I still want to become self sufficient and take care of them when I they get old. I just want to do it on my own terms without wanting to kill myself for not being able to reach impossible standards. 

The fighter in me knows I’m in charge of my own destiny, the fighter in me knows that I am in the right, and as long as I keep going nothing can stop me. 

But the daughter in me feels like I have betrayed my parents, for not going the traditional path that I know is doomed and flawed from the very start. I hate getting out of the matrix sometimes. I really do.

I feel like I’m fucked since my loyalty to my parents runs so deep that I self sabotage and MAKE myself fail because I feel like if I am not achieving our shared goals their way I am a bad daughter and a bad person and am on the wrong path. So I reinforce their idea that they are right and I am wrong and I am a loose canon falling into sin and debauchery

They can’t comprehend mental illness. To them, my illness doesn’t exist, because in order to acknowledge it they have to acknowledge that they have it to. So in order to make some sense of my “irrational” behavior they think I don’t give a shit about my degree or their morals and all I want to do is become a housewife and have my boyfriend take care of me since I have moved into his house completely.

That is the furthers from the truth, but no matter how hard I reassure them they still don’t believe me because I refuse to come home. I refuse to move back in, and let myself become literally imprisoned again. I can’t drive due to my anxiety disorder and my parents house is in the suburbs really deep into the woods far away from town and my parents ration my social time. I become their live in therapist and emotional punching bag, and if I stay there Stockholm syndrome will kick in and I know I won’t eat, or sleep, or do anything healthy and I’m going to relapse psychologically again.

I’m getting better but progress is slow and I’m roadblocked by the fact that well I miss my parents. I love them, and I want to share a life with them once I’m strong enough, but people out here don’t get that. They think I’m still delusional and my parents are evil people but they’re not! They are still my parents, they are just fucked up because of the Khmer Rouge and their idea of pain tolerance is a lot more skewed then what a normal kid can handle. 

I live in a predominatley white neighborhood. All the Khmer kids here have already fallen through the cracks through mental illness by way of drug addiction, early teen pregnancy, and the ones that even made it to college were adopted by white families who know the system and are actually understanding about mental health and are basically super super white washed. 

I’m this weird hybrid thing, and I feel really isolated and alone in this whole taking a year off to recover and slowly finish my degree on my own terms. All I’m doing is the minimal possible thing to maintain being a productive adult, (working therapy figuring out online classes ect) but I’m reaching a roadblock with my progress and I’m so mad at myself.