I thought I could spend my entire weekend catching up on my homework since I religiously visit my boyfriend every weekend to maintain my sanity. (quite literally) But instead of catching up on work I stared at my comptuer having panic attacks and barely squeezing out tiny spurts of work in between laying on the floor.
I realized something then. I should have taken a year off to get healthy. All of my time and energy has gone into maintaining my sanity and well being, and you know NOT DYING, so I’ve been missing tons of classes, turning in assignments late, and just not producing the quality of work I prefer to put out. In other words, I’m not taking advantage of the wonderful education I’ve fought so hard to get.
I’m just burnt out. When I got out of the hospital I pulled all nighters to finish my exams and have been trying to graduate on time ever since. But I have so many internal issues that have been collecting in my brain my entire life that I’ve been running away from them since I started life.
I’m already so behind on assignments and have so many unexcused absences I’m literally losing credit by just lying here and doing nothing. I am not in a healthy state to finish. I’ll rush through and produce shitty half assed work, when I want a good quality portfolio, a full understanding of the material, and I can’t learn at my own pace because of all my issues.
My parents will probably be ashamed, but I think they’d prefer me graduating a semester or a year late then dead from suicide over stress.
So I went to my boyfriend’s house. Even though I said I wouldn’t to heal up, talk to my local therapist, and talk to my foster aunt who’s been my mentor throughout this whole college process.
Also I’m asking my boyfriend’s mom for advice since she graduated late due to giving birth to him, and since she works in education she knows the system better then I do.
Then I’m going straight to the dean of student life to talk about my options. And possibly my financial aid counselor to talk about my scholarship options. My parents will be mad but I’m not going to stay with them. Since staying at home will be a living hell while I’m trying to recover.
I’m thinking of taking summer classes here at my boyfriends, freelancing, and working to pay off loans and then healing up to finish. I know it seems crazy since I only have a month to graduation, but I’m so behind I won’t be able to graduate on time anyways.
I’m just really lost and confused, and burnt out and tired, and I’ve been living my entire life trying to be this perfect Asian daughter with high marks, and I have not lived for myself. I don’t know what I want anymore. I pushed myself so far to make them happy and healthy in hopes to make my family’s life stable but I can’t. It’s up to them to get better and healthy.
I hate it since with my health I’m making B’s and C’s when I could be getting straight A’s if I was healthy. I hate knowing I have the potential to succeed but am stunted due to the chemicals in my brain, and how I was raised.
And now that I know I can’t save my parents health, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I was raised Cambodian, but I grew up in America, and acting Khmer in America DOES NOT WORK. I want to be able to talk my parents like an American. That’s the only way we can have a healthy relationship, and that sucks.
I still want to be able to walk though. I need my father to see me in those robes and have the professors call my name out, since the first time he’s seen a graduation ceremony he cried, because he could never get a diploma.
I can’t ruin that dream but it’s not worth killing myself and destroying who I am as a person. It’s a tough call to make. I need to figure this out.