I’ve been really paranoid and have been running away from the state of my status as a student at my University for months now. Sometimes I go through bouts of clarity and I get a million forms sent and tons of messages relayed to administrators done, and then I’m gone for months and months on again. I’m in one of those periods where I have been a hermit for many months.
I can’t say I haven’t been completely useless. I took an online course at a local University, and in an email I got approval from my advisor for the class credit to transfer through. (although I never did the necessary paperwork or signatures)
I got my old job back as a dishwasher at my dad’s work place, and all of the senior staff welcomed me back and treated me like a daughter like they always have. The work is hard, but cathartic, and it’s nice to know I have some form of income coming in.
I missed my psych appointment last week and I’m running low on meds. I suppose I should contact him and reschedule. I had to reschedule therapy appointments due to a wind chill advisory and it being fucking deadly outside under six layers of thick clothing.
I guess you could say the only thing stopping me is myself, but it’s more complicated then that, and bouts of therapy have made me realize how fucked up my situation really is.
I get really bitter and jaded when I see these really rich and wealthy stylishly dressed college students on the bus with me talking about classes and stuff, since it just impresses upon me even more that I have gone rouge, and my parents don’t know what the hell I’m doing and think I’ve lost my mind, since I stopped trying to achieve perfection.
I still want to get my degree. I still want to become self sufficient and take care of them when I they get old. I just want to do it on my own terms without wanting to kill myself for not being able to reach impossible standards.
The fighter in me knows I’m in charge of my own destiny, the fighter in me knows that I am in the right, and as long as I keep going nothing can stop me.
But the daughter in me feels like I have betrayed my parents, for not going the traditional path that I know is doomed and flawed from the very start. I hate getting out of the matrix sometimes. I really do.
I feel like I’m fucked since my loyalty to my parents runs so deep that I self sabotage and MAKE myself fail because I feel like if I am not achieving our shared goals their way I am a bad daughter and a bad person and am on the wrong path. So I reinforce their idea that they are right and I am wrong and I am a loose canon falling into sin and debauchery.
They can’t comprehend mental illness. To them, my illness doesn’t exist, because in order to acknowledge it they have to acknowledge that they have it to. So in order to make some sense of my “irrational” behavior they think I don’t give a shit about my degree or their morals and all I want to do is become a housewife and have my boyfriend take care of me since I have moved into his house completely.
That is the furthers from the truth, but no matter how hard I reassure them they still don’t believe me because I refuse to come home. I refuse to move back in, and let myself become literally imprisoned again. I can’t drive due to my anxiety disorder and my parents house is in the suburbs really deep into the woods far away from town and my parents ration my social time. I become their live in therapist and emotional punching bag, and if I stay there Stockholm syndrome will kick in and I know I won’t eat, or sleep, or do anything healthy and I’m going to relapse psychologically again.
I’m getting better but progress is slow and I’m roadblocked by the fact that well I miss my parents. I love them, and I want to share a life with them once I’m strong enough, but people out here don’t get that. They think I’m still delusional and my parents are evil people but they’re not! They are still my parents, they are just fucked up because of the Khmer Rouge and their idea of pain tolerance is a lot more skewed then what a normal kid can handle.
I live in a predominatley white neighborhood. All the Khmer kids here have already fallen through the cracks through mental illness by way of drug addiction, early teen pregnancy, and the ones that even made it to college were adopted by white families who know the system and are actually understanding about mental health and are basically super super white washed.
I’m this weird hybrid thing, and I feel really isolated and alone in this whole taking a year off to recover and slowly finish my degree on my own terms. All I’m doing is the minimal possible thing to maintain being a productive adult, (working therapy figuring out online classes ect) but I’m reaching a roadblock with my progress and I’m so mad at myself.