I thought I could spend my entire weekend catching up on my homework since I religiously visit my boyfriend every weekend to maintain my sanity. (quite literally) But instead of catching up on work I stared at my comptuer having panic attacks and barely squeezing out tiny spurts of work in between laying on the floor. 

I realized something then. I should have taken a year off to get healthy. All of my time and energy has gone into maintaining my sanity and well being, and you know NOT DYING, so I’ve been missing tons of classes, turning in assignments late, and just not producing the quality of work I prefer to put out. In other words, I’m not taking advantage of the wonderful education I’ve fought so hard to get. 

I’m just burnt out. When I got out of the hospital I pulled all nighters to finish my exams and have been trying to graduate on time ever since. But I have so many internal issues that have been collecting in my brain my entire life that I’ve been running away from them since I started life. 

I’m already so behind on assignments and have so many unexcused absences I’m literally losing credit by just lying here and doing nothing. I am not in a healthy state to finish. I’ll rush through and produce shitty half assed work, when I want a good quality portfolio, a full understanding of the material, and I can’t learn at my own pace because of all my issues. 

My parents will probably be ashamed, but I think they’d prefer me graduating a semester or a year late then dead from suicide over stress. 

So I went to my boyfriend’s house. Even though I said I wouldn’t to heal up, talk to my local therapist, and talk to my foster aunt who’s been my mentor throughout this whole college process. 

Also I’m asking my boyfriend’s mom for advice since she graduated late due to giving birth to him, and since she works in education she knows the system better then I do. 

Then I’m going straight to the dean of student life to talk about my options. And possibly my financial aid counselor to talk about my scholarship options. My parents will be mad but I’m not going to stay with them. Since staying at home will be a living hell while I’m trying to recover.

I’m thinking of taking summer classes here at my boyfriends, freelancing, and working to pay off loans and then healing up to finish. I know it seems crazy since I only have a month to graduation, but I’m so behind I won’t be able to graduate on time anyways. 

I’m just really lost and confused, and burnt out and tired, and I’ve been living my entire life trying to be this perfect Asian daughter with high marks, and I have not lived for myself. I don’t know what I want anymore. I pushed myself so far to make them happy and healthy in hopes to make my family’s life stable but I can’t. It’s up to them to get better and healthy. 

I hate it since with my health I’m making B’s and C’s when I could be getting straight A’s if I was healthy. I hate knowing I have the potential to succeed but am stunted due to the chemicals in my brain, and how I was raised. 

And now that I know I can’t save my parents health, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I was raised Cambodian, but I grew up in America, and acting Khmer in America DOES NOT WORK. I want to be able to talk my parents like an American. That’s the only way we can have a healthy relationship, and that sucks. 

I still want to be able to walk though. I need my father to see me in those robes and have the professors call my name out, since the first time he’s seen a graduation ceremony he cried, because he could never get a diploma. 

I can’t ruin that dream but it’s not worth killing myself and destroying who I am as a person. It’s a tough call to make. I need to figure this out. 

I stood up to my mother for the first time in my life.

To all the people that don’t know me very well keep in mind my parents are both Khmer Rouge genocide survivors. Trauma survivors raise kids with trauma symptoms, and my depression and anxiety stems from this. Because of this my academics get really screwed up, and this is what caused me to be in the hospital for a week. 

After I got out, I had to go home where all my triggers are. I’m my parents emotional punching bag and mom uses me to vent all the time. I think my mom has a lot of psycological issues that she needs to address, that I can’t handle, so I end up sick with guilt. Here’s a quick explanation under the cut of what happened. 

EDIT: This is also the main reason why I’ll be less active on tumblr. I need to fix my life.

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I wish these were my weekend plans. But unfortunately I spent my entire week like this. 

Yeah having anxiety attacks that put you into a catatonic state that almost push you towards willingly walking infront of incoming traffic, is not good. I’m also massively behind and hate myself for it but I’ll have to figure things out if I want to get a decent GPA. 

Means that you are essentially raised to have trauma symptoms. My dad probably as Post traumatic stress, and my mom has, who knows how many problems. So I grew up thinking I was in a war that didn’t exist. Lovely just lovely. 

Dear world,

I am not very stable at this point and I have freaked enough people in this hallway from my sobbing, that I have since moved to the quiet basement floor in the library where no  one can hear.

It is completely illogical to cry, and I have been putting off this whole crying bit for weeks by making myself sleep for three to five hours after class. I don’t trust anyone with me in this state, after many experiences of being laughed at, taken advantage of, and people getting angry and uncomfortable around me. (the last one is the most common)

I am not doing well in school. This is a fact. In fact, I am only good at courses in my major. It’s one of the few things that make me happy. It’s one of the few things I’m good at. So when I tackle things that aren’t my strong suit like programming I freak the fuck out. 

I put so much weight and stock in my academic abilities, since it’s the only way I’m ever going to get out of my problems. Every time I don’t do well in something I think, “I am going to fail all of my courses, I am stupid dumb and incapable of finding a worthwhile career.” I will be forced to live forever with my parents and deal with their emotional baggage and be forced to supress my own emotions for the rest of my life.”

I really don’t want to do this crying thing. I’ve been avoiding it for weeks. I have many wonderful friends in the CS Department, but I’m ashamed, of not doing well. I feel like I’m not worthy of being their friends since I’m not smart enough. I feel guilty every time I get a homework assignment or a bad test grade. I’ve felt awkward around them since. 

I can’t even think straight and just chug through these assignments without thinking “If you don’t get this right you will live with your parents forever and never be emotionally sane ever” 

AND! On top of all that as I’m trying to buckle down and swallow my pride and ask for help, my parents call, acting like chickens with their heads cut off panicking and asking for help how there’s a deadline! (even though there isn’t) and how I have to do all of their financial aid and health insurance forms for them, and how EVERYTHING WILL GO WRONG IF I DON’T DO EVERYTHING PERFECT AND RIGHT. 

They won’t listen to me, and they will call me stupid and tell me I’m doing everything wrong and that I’m making mistakes, while I have to hold their hands and say EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT IF YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME DO MY JOB. 

All I want to do is crawl into a ball and cry. But that’s not going to happen, because my room mate needs the room right now, and none of my friends can deal with severe emotional break downs right now since I don’t need a logic problem fixed. I just need a quiet place where I can calm down, without people looking at me funny. 

Every time I get worried, or stressed out by something, I get a huge surge of anxiety and start this huge cycle of self blaming. My reflex is to shut all emotions down completely, until my brain turns into this cloudy mush where I can barely do basic things, like eat, and sleep at a reasonable hour. 

So right now I’m trying to get out of my depressing mush without reverting back to my crazy panic attacks. This is going to be fun. Maybe my therapist appointment today will help.  

Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth going sometimes. The problems I tell her I’ve already figured out on my own through friends. A lot of the issues I have now are just time management and basic normal issues a student has. I’ve finally started going to bed regularly and the nightly panic attacks I used to get have just been muted due to work.

Finally taking my medication regularly has made it easier to logically get rid of my anxiety issues, and when I don’t take it I can TELL and know how to take care of myself when that happens.

Of course I know depression never really goes away, and it’s always an uphill battle. It comes in waves, but I can’t help but feel like the issues I tell her about I already figured out on my own.

Maybe I should just set up an appointment for the study skills tutor instead.

Trigger warnings: Mentions of rape and depression

I guess another span of events have occurred to make me full realize this fact. As a disclaimer I’m not asking for attention or any help, I just feel like putting my thoughts down on paper so I can vent and get this out of my system. I’ve had this problem for a really long time. Panic attacks, paralyzing anxiety, and clinical depression. It’s come to the point where I’ve stopped taking my meds because I was just frustrated with the results.

Technically speaking I haven’t taken them long enough for the full effect to take in but I think the problem I has isn’t just chemical but psychologically as well.  Counseling has been tricky since mom doesn’t know I’m on meds. So far I’ve been managing pretty decent without them but it hasn’t stopped the attacks from occuring.

I also think it was a result from my up bringing. My family isn’t the time to communicate our problems and we keep them bottled up. Because showing any strong emotion is a sign of weakness. If you are unable to control your emotions you are a wuss. And I guess crying over things after your parents surviving a genocide makes you seem like a wuss. I feel like I can never suffer enough to be worthy of support. Survivors guilt. I know, it’s notorious from kids who’ve parents survived the holocaust.I figure parents who survived a genocide? You’re going to feel guilty about a lot of things.

I made a blog post about being Khmer and the Khmer rouge here. It’s a big reason why I have the problems that I have  http://trulysophisticat.tumblr.com/post/9106211739/a-brief-history-of-cambodia-khmer-rouge-response-to

Some of you may now that I have overcome an emotionally abusive relationship. That lasted three years. To my close friends who didn’t know, the boyfriend afterwards Peggy pushed me too far sexually. I hadn’t pushed it before because there was so much gray area in between that I couldn’t put my finger on but it wasn’t right. When I invited him over to the dorms to stay over, I wasn’t expecting anything sexual. I was happy, proud of finally getting over someone I bled for, lost sleep over, and risked my future for. I was proud that I could prove to myself that  other guys could love me. But there was no love, just superficial lust. We had nothing in common and he was only attracted to me physically.

That night when watching Princess Bride, he fumbles over and tries to kiss me. I expected a quick peck on the cheek and a cuddle but he pins me to bed until it hurts, and thrusts his tounge down my mouth. He pulls back and says “Is this going too far? Tell me if it’s going too far.” I lay there stunned, scared and confused. “I don’t know” I respond. I was NOT expecting anything sexual and I really didn’t know morally what I was okay with. He then says, “You invited me over to spend the night, you do know what happens when a guy spends the night don’t you?” I gulp, nervous, feeling pressured to handle my end of the bargain but I was scared, nervous and confused. “Just tell me when I go too far” And then he pins me down again and does (actions that I will not mention in this post because I’d rather forget them”) The thing is he may have said that he double checked and asked permission but I NEVER flat out said it was okay. He didn’t give me a chance to! He locked my lips shut with his face so I couldn’t say no. and I was too nervous to do anything but just lie there terrified. Eventually we fall asleep.

I spent the next several weeks feeling secretly violated and not understanding why. I mean I never said no. I accidentally implied it by not realizing it. I was inexperienced I didn’t know the under tones of spending the night and movie. I didn’t go to any of you guys at school because well I didn’t know you very well and well I didn’t know if I did the right thing. I felt like it was all my fault and I felt like a bad person. I pretended everything was okay. I wore his shirt every day and his hat. I gushed about our first kiss, proud dreamy, pretending everything was okay. But I’m not going to lie, when he dumped me, I was glad to see the sucker go. Sure I cried, but only because I wasted my first kiss on a scum bag like. I don’t even count him as a boyfriend anymore. And I resent the girl who set me up with him in the first place.

Hilariously enough said girl who set me up with this scumbag was the ex girlfriend of the guy I’m currently dating. Apparently she was an equally controlling and crazy creepy.

Some of you may be wondering why I’m not pressing charges. Technically speaking it wasn’t date rape since there was no intercourse involved. And technically speaking I would have a bad case if I sued since of all these heavy implications I accidentally caused by just sheer inexperience. He’s nothing to me, just a little boy who couldn’t keep his hands to himself. Emotionally I have closure.

On the flip side it made me more aware of the rape culture we have in this country. And it made me more aware of what I expected sexually for my next boyfriend. I did not realize I was taken advantage of or that it wasn’t my fault because as women people force us to be able to meet all these ridiculous expectations. How was I supposed to know the implications behind spending the night with a movie? How was I supposed to know that a guy I should have trusted would expect me to do such a thing?

It should be us girls, guys need to take full responsibility for their actions. When you are hooking up with a girl MAKE SURE SHE SAYS YES. Don’t accept this maybe crap, and when she says no SHE MEANS NO. The world is not a magical place where you can stick your dick everywhere. And if she’s unsure ask her why and talk to her about it. Sex is a very intimate act and both parties should know what they are getting themselves into.

The more you know. :P